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I swallow my pride and my pills
Slide into my shirt and a brotherhood that kills
You complicate my life, you see
With our sometimes loving rivalry
You don’t have a right to give me your orders
Think I collect my friends like quarters
You fight for me to work more hours
Yet, when I'm there, refuse me all my powers
You're far from tame
You're not to blame
I'm hurt by your many power plays
Infused through each of my tasks during our long shared days
You seem to think I am the failure of our division
Yet say that helping me is your mission
You defend my need to take emergency vacation
Then mimic my requests with impassioned animation
You say that my care will cause me a failure to be
Yet insist you've been nothing but nice to me
For you, I always try to be there
And in return, for me you lack respect and care
You call my commiseration wrongly confiding
After prior telling me the darkest struggles you've been hiding
You say my return stories feel too personal for work
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That one night when I got lost
Made two months of high emotional cost
When first I saw you, I started to reel
Fearing suddenly the sound of pavement against wheel
Your incoordination
Skewed and arced your destination
And without much of a sound
Your longboard knocked me to the ground
It struck me thrice
And I fell twice
Once to the ground
And once for the sweet sound
Of your voice and your facaded care
We were the tortoise and the hare
I told you that we hit it off
I could hear not nature’s awkward cough
I wish that a light in my mind you’d knocked on
‘Ere that smile on my face began to spawn
Though my shin then stung like sleet
I thought you were very sweet
I couldn't walk
So to you I tried to talk
About my great stress
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From a "Packrat"'s Point of View
Everything is temporary
And to me, that’s kind of scary
It’s intense psychology
So don’t give me your theology
It can be a fatal psychological disorder
So it’s really not funny when you call me a hoarder
With all these struggles I can’t cope
And for control I only hope
I need an escape
No matter what the form or shape
When you lose so much and your betrayers can’t replace
Tell me again that I need in my empty crowded room more space
When these shadows I’m too weak to face
You tell me it’s my fault I’m losing my race
In my burdens I am drowning
That’s why I have collections in their aging that are browning
I want the happiness of childhood
So lay off the mocking if you could
I grew up too fast
That’s why I cling to mementos from my past
You may not understand my fears
But it doesn’t mean my age-old carpet has never dried my tears
Maybe rejection has just been too much
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You to me would always listen
When my tears began to glisten
As though those tears could work like guns
You told me several stupid puns
You abhor them, and yet, you would tell them to me
Showing me to you something special I might be
You would text me every day
Making me think that talking was okay
Sometimes you’d feel like you were safe to open up
And you’d tell me about family or your recently dead pup
When you did, I showed you I was there for you
But nothing ever would I make you do
I told you I’d be there in the middle of the night
And still with me you’ve never tried to make things right
With no one I would share the things to me you told
So your insistence that I make you talk is getting kind of old
By never giving up on you, I thought your path I could remold
Everyone but me could see your heart was cold
My own barriers I broke so you could do the same
Yet when you went too deep you insisted I take blame
I wish I could stop crying myself each night to sleep
Because you’ve made me feel at fault that your kindness I could never reap
Slowly I am drowning
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You used to crown me with new glory
You were the best part of my story
You were a wonderful, colorful king
And to you your praises I would never cease to sing
You have no conception of how hard I tried
To always make my heart a place where you could hide
Every piece of your story I would treasure
Even though it gave me less than pleasure
When stories of trauma you had assembled
I started to cry and my hands quickly trembled
You didn’t let me hug you then
Nor any time you told me again
You wanted me there but would shove me away
Saying with you I’d never be okay
Yet still at our parties I’d give you a toast
For this was the time when you needed me most
Even though you would never quite swallow your pride
To be there for you I tried and I tried
Slowly but surely we drifted apart
Just like the fibers you’d stolen from my heart
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I wasn't too young to remember
When you came to see me in November
And took me gently in your arms
Taking my mind off its alarms
It was so wonderful to see you there
To rock with you in Grandma's rocking chair
I thought you were the coolest guy in the world
Not simply because up against your chest I curled
Your cashmere cradled me in love and a hug
The warmth and joy spreading quicker than a bug
Your voice was the smile in those paralyzing winds
Melting away the great world of my sins
You took me in as your little girl
Your arms cradling my locks of curl
You remembered me while you weren't home
Making joy echo across my heart like a dome
Breeding my exponential admiration
Of your every imperfection
I love you, Chris
If I remember anything, it's this:
That you're my hero and I can help not but smile when I see you
For there's no way I can be blue
When you give up your time for me
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A four year old stood on the beach
Asking for a cigarette
Seeing my frown, she said with a smile
Daddy does it. He's my hero.
Weak and wasted there I stood
Walking along the darkened path
Having no compass to light my way
Not even common sense
So young I was, and yet, so bright
For a stranger I met in the night
So strong you looked, so tall you stood
Waiting there for me
Bloodhounds scream
And sirens roar
But as always you
Are back for more
You smiled at me, and what I saw
Was fire there, not light
And because I was still just a boy
You played me like a toy
You were my hero
The very one to save me
From this path
The very one to swallow me
Along this swallowed ground
You took my hand and led me
Down the path of death
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You ought to practice what you preach
Or it is no more than wasted words
Meaningless lessons
Which are deeper than the air you swallow
But never breathe
Wasted time
All of which you use to tell them
To follow a path
Which you will never cross
Don't stoop to his level
You tell her, though you really are yourself
A level which only you have learned
Not to rise above
I know he was mean
I know it's been tough
But that's how it goes
In the world of love
You can change fate, but can't change a fact
So swallow his pride and quit with this act
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I lay out here, gaze at the stars
With paint and skates, and chocolate bars
The softness of the island sand
Unmatchable throughout this land
Through turmoil, terror, hate and blame
I know that I'll still be the same
For I have learned from you this far
The bitter value of a scar
I won't return to you again
Now far beyond the reach of men
Though I'll never learn to fly
If you first never make me cry
After what you've done to me
I hope that all the world will see
That life is more than words and charts
But love and fear, and purple hearts
It is they that show us how to live
Love to me, you would never give
It is that love that hurt me first
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Anger fills every vein
In your furious face
And I think that soon,
They'll burst
And I'll never have to see
Your merciless glare
That I could never make a smile
Only hate
Merciless,
Reasonless
Invisible pride
In me you could never find
I glance at the shining fire
Next to me
Lighting a candle to bring a smile
To the sweetest kid I've ever known
The fire vanishes
Smoke flies
Bringing tears
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