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26 january 2012

25 january 2012, wednesday ( To the Lover I can no longeer love )

To the Lover I can no longer love,

I’m speechless. There are no words to describe how rejected, humiliated and betrayed by your actions, your words and your inability to seemingly uphold the commitments we have made to each other.
Every fucking time we have a disagreement, the result is the same. You leave. You say its over. You’re done.
But for two years now, you are never really done. After 3 days. A week sometimes two, you come back into contact. For a couple of days, things are like they used to be, you make me feel loved, missed, you lead me to believe that you enjoy being with me, that life without me has little to offer compared to when we are together. You even go as far as to say that no one understands what I’m going through better than you. We are in the same boat. THAT is all I have ever wanted with you. I gave you my heart. I gave you all my love and gave you the promise that we were in it together. I loved you and gave up my right to jump ship if the waters got rough. Willingly I would drown if our ship began to sink and if we gave it our ALL and that wasn’t enough, then so be it.
BUT that could never be it. You constantly jump ship of your own accord and leave me to battle treacherous waters on my own. Do you create these raging waters in order to justify bailing out? Do you intend for me to sink? Or is it your own inability to uphold your part of the commitment?
Hours spent trying to decipher your moods, attitudes and actions. Questioning myself over and over as to how we can end up in the same scenario time after time, no matter what I do? Why are you so quick to detach? You say that you need to progress and move towards the future. Yet every other day abandon the very idea of progress by excusing yourself of all responsibility by declaring us dead…over…Done!?!
You offer your help to fix my car, yet make obvious to all of us around that it is an inconvenience to you, that you have other things you need to be addressing, and if I want to go a different route then do so but if I go another route you are going to be pissed, you act shitty to me the whole duration of the repair, reiterating things as in “I told you so” and then act as if you are hurt by my outward display of confusion as to why are you fixing the car when its obvious you don’t want to ….so don’t fix the car if its going to cause such agony…and lo and behold you throw a fit, you leave the car unfixed and blame me for being inconsiderate of your intent to help and tell me basically to go to hell, you are not flushing life down the toilet with me anymore.
Really? Where did this come from? After weeks of being apart, another of your sessions, we get back together for 2 or 3 days after discussing your inclination to immediately end things for seemingly no new reason, I expressed my feelings of misgivings and how devastating these scenarios are to me: You pretend to hear me, pretend to care and reply that they are equally devastating for you and without hesitation, without blinking an eye, . Without reproach do the same exact thing, totally disregarding previous promises to withhold this action and try an alternative method of dealing with the issue at hand.
How can I prevent this outcome? It appears that no matter what I do, I can’t prevent anything. You obviously had somewhere else you needed or wanted to be and failed to communicate that to me; instead you manipulate the scenario as need be, placing the blame on me for my one-sided ever present self and lack of consideration to justify your behavior and to excuse you from further participation in this charade.
Well be a man and end it for fucks sake. Quit playing games and fucking be real. Do you honestly think I am the reason for your present stance in life? I wasn’t aware that you felt you had been flushing life down the toilet, so to hear that its my fault and you refuse to do it with me anymore comes as a shock to me, You come to this decision in the 6 hours of meditation once ridding yourself of your much dreaded ,position? Give me a break. Just more of your bullshit, mind games, that you constantly deny playing. So it must just be the outwards sign of immaturity and the ambiguous way you hint at communication attempts
I must end this. You never will. You don’t know how to leave well enough alone. And why would you? I’m the dumb bitch that allows you to desecrate our relationship., degrade me, make a complete fool out of me and although I swear to myself I won’t do it, I ignore your first attempts at reconciliation. You have proved over and over that you can’t be there for me as you promise, you cant be here with me as you claim to want to be. You can’t even seem to remember the conversations we have regarding such. If anything it gets worse and worse, your outbursts are more frequent, they last longer [periods of time, and I don’t have the slightest inclination as to what is going to set you off. It seems you pick and choose that as well, no matter how trivial the facts surrounding the issue are. If you feel the need for escape you act accordingly and you always get your desired result. I know you don’t see this. You never do. Always claim that I’m lashing out at you, acting in such undesirable ways that you are so put out by my mistreatment of you that you have no choice but to leave the situation. I know I’m so aggressive that you feel the need to shrink into your own invisible world, detached of any emotional attachment, devoid of any of your promises, no sense of responsibility to the relationship whatsoever and no sign visible of the man who just minutes, hours or days before professed nothing but love and willingness to dedicate himself to this endeavor.
You’re fake, phony, hypocritical and extremely unrealistic. You choose to view the events with your own twisted misconceptions of truth, placing blame on anything or anyone, but never yourself or your actions, effortlessly the justifications for anything one might perceive as anything less than flawless on your part. Your view of yourself as nearing sainthood motivated by nothing other than care and concern, , always of the best intent wounded by the cruel abuse of a good for nothing 2 dollar whore .
Always I have adhered to our promise to each other that it was worth it, and to not give up. No matter how brutal, harsh or undeserving of the onslaught of name calling, accusations and threats to sever ties you constantly feel the need to unleash, I have never refused you access back in, acknowledgement of any reasonable attempts at reconciliation , nor refused any expressed need for understanding or wanting to reconnect. Can you say the same? You can toot your own horn all you want; I know the difference between the REAL and that which is portrayed as real.
Although my heartfelt wish is for you to one day see the bigger picture and assess the damage done in its proper perspective, knowing that it if and when that miraculous happening takes place, it will be far too late to be of any positive contribution. This is not a bash session as you might usually make of our arguments, had you been of a concerned and hopeful mind for the future one might consider it a plea to realize, to help me understand your apparent hesitation and consider seeking professional help. However that would mean I still had hopes of expectations being fulfilled and promises carried out , and a reality that will never ever be.
Complete devastation of my dreams for the future, spent happily in the arms, heart and mind of the man I love. There is nothing remaining of what once was to carry forward into the future leaving almost invisible traces of itself in the present . Hours, days weeks and months spent desperately trying to hold onto what you so easily disregard and let crumble to ruins. Over and over. The one thing you consistently did without any attachment of any kind.
I must really be the loser piece of shit you condemn me to be. What a waste of life to not be able to hold onto that which is most dear and made life worth living. Sadly living has turned cold and bitter and hardly worth welcoming. Am I truly to blame? I honestly did anything and everything I could, none of it ever holding value in your eyes. How can I love someone who has belittled me and made me no longer sure of who I EVEN AM? Why are you unable to remember your heart when you let anger take over and destroy anything good we have. Why is it you cant see the damage yo have done and continue to do?
And then I stumbled across what most certainly felt like the answers, but once again you will never see how my insane mind could jump to such looney toon delusional idea.
…..” The passive aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical.”
Am I onto something here?
…” The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive is that they never follow through on agreements and promises. He/she will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while at the same time making it look as if he/she is pulling his/her own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, you can be made to believe that you are loved and adored by a person who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.
aggressive will say one thing, do another, and then deny ever saying the first thing. They don't communicate their needs and wishes in a clear manner, expecting their spouse to read their mind and meet their needs. After all, if their spouse truly loved them he/she would just naturally know what they needed or wanted. The passive aggressive withholds information about how he/she feels, their ego is fragile and can't take the slightest criticism so why let you know what they are thinking or feeling? God forbid they disclose that information and you criticize them.
I think of the proverb, "Actions speak louder than words" when it comes to the passive aggressive and how ambiguous they can be. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating.

……” subtle and veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be normal, at times loving and caring. The passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse.
The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by "forgetting." How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary.

The passive aggressive often can't trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. A passive aggressive will have sex with you but they rarely make love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by withholding sex.
….” Do you want something from your passive aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it. It is important to him/her that you don,t get your way. He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel.”

. If your spouse’s behaviors are ambiguous, you are constantly receiving mixed messages. More than likely you spend a great amount of time trying to figure out what was meant by certain words or actions.
The passive aggressive does harm by consistently failing to honestly express what they are feeling and thinking. It is impossible to work through conflicts with someone who sends unclear and insufficient information

Being in a relationship with someone who either can’t or won’t open up and be honest about how they are feeling or what they think will leave you anxiously wondering what your spouse’s intentions are. You end up either doubting yourself or questioning your spouse’s commitment to the relationship. Below are a few examples of ambiguous behaviors.

• June is upset with Jake over an unkind remark he made to her. June tells Jake that her feelings were hurt when he told her the house was not tidy enough and she spent her days wasting time. Jake reacts to June by saying, “fine” and walking away. June is left to wonder what “fine” means. Does it mean Jake will no longer make unkind remarks? Does it mean that Jake could care less whether her feelings were hurt or not?
June has no way of knowing whether she was heard by Jake or whether or not her feelings are important to Jake. June will naturally begin to make assumptions about Jakes feelings for her and you can bet that those assumptions will be negative.
• Jill and Joe have been talking about buying a new car for several months. Joe wants to buy Jill a car and Jill has a definite opinion about what car she wants. One day Joe comes home with a new car. Not the car Jill wanted but a car Joe felt was more appropriate.
Joe was willing to discuss what kind of car they would buy but when it came to making the final decision, he shut Jill out. He has sent Jill the message that although she can have an opinion, in the end those opinions weren’t of any value to Joe.

The one thing common in all three examples is the devaluation of feelings by a spouse. A spouse whose behaviors are ambiguous not only devalues their own feelings they devalue those of their spouse. When a spouse begins to feel his/her thoughts or opinions are of no value they begin to withdraw from the relationship. They are, after all in a relationship with someone who doesn’t seem to care so why should they care.
If you marry someone with passive aggressive personality disorder even the most reasonable expectation will go unmet. The trick to making a relationship with the passive aggressive work is not letting go of your expections but, letting go of the idea that your expectation will be met.

• Isolating or rejecting you without an obvious reason;
• Stopping you from expressing your feelings of love or ignoring them;
• Preventing you from getting your family's or friends' support;
• Showing sensitivity and caring one minute; hostility and resentment the next;
• Making negative jokes about you with his friends, while smiling at you the next minute;
• Attacking you in public with descriptions as "nagging" "controlling" "abusive" "coercive" and other words linked with abuse and control;
• Unexpected, unprovoked anger attacks, not related to the issue being discussed, but related to the experience he is having of you through his distorted "over-controlled child" lenses;
• As a way of frustrating you, and retaining control of the relationship he will show no interest in sex exactly when you feel that the two of you are connecting and happy together!
• Silence breeds separation and more hostility;
• In separation we assume negative intentions of the other
• Then we try to confirm that the other has negative intentions towards us by reading his actions in the worst possible light;
• Finally this growing hostile communicational divide generates hostility and mistrust. LOVE IS GONE!
, the refusal to accept responsibility for his actions, the blame he lays on me, the ambiguity, the lack of communications, his reluctance to say sorry, the failure to recognize his part in the problem, the withholding of sex, his negativity, his self absorbed attitude, his lack of encouragement or support, his inability to be empathetic. Basically, his me, me, me, attitude. I always thought that patience and compassion would win through
I cannot believe what Im reading yet believe it with 100 of my heart

How often do you look at a happy couple and feel a pang in your chest? You watch them as they gaze into each others' eyes and playfully steal a kiss. A faint smile crosses your lips as you remember the good times you had with your partner and your heart wonders where they went…
Do you sometimes feel alone when the one you love is beside you? Do you sleep in the same bed, but feel miles apart? Are you afraid of expressing your true feelings for fear your partner will become angry or isolate himself into his shell?
What would you give to reclaim those carefree feelings you had when you first fell in love with your partner, to be able to easily express yourself and have open, honest communication again? What would you do if the fear was gone?

Every time we got close, he pulled further away. I could SEE it happening. We'd seem to grow closer and closer, which made him feel invaded, so he'd push me away. I'd try to get nearer and he'd back away. It was a vicious cycle. If I complained, he would blame ME, saying it was my 'behavior' that drove him away."
"I think he loves me somehow and that makes it harder to cut the cord. But, if I keep holding on to the HOPE…the never-ending HOPE that things will improve, I will be in this same emptiness for ever. I need help to let go of him."
"I realized I could do anything for him but it might not matter, because nothing really changes. He is passive aggressive and I've never knew how to deal with him along those lines. I've always been thrown into the cycle of hurt and abuse, instead.

Wow sounds familiar
. He wouldn't remember any of my good aspects, but only the negative ones. It seemed that nothing was ever good enough for him. He had unrealistic expectations, and could only see things in "black or white." He would forget promises, make decisions without consulting me, and be very abusive. He blamed me for everything, called me names, and yelled at me. However, I was the only person he would treat like this. He wouldn't do it with ANYONE ELSE! After years it became too much humiliation for me. I couldn't cope with the sadness anymore. I felt hopeless and alone. I believed I had two options for my life; stay in an unhappy marriage, or leave my husband.
One day you are happy and contently living the relationship of your dreams. You love him, he loves you. You know what to expect in your relationship. Then, one day…BAM! He reacts to you with a lot of hostility, not related to the here and now, and you feel confused and hurt. Maybe things get back to normal for a while, and then it happens again. And, just when you feel you have made progress in your relationship your partner suddenly, and without provocation, withdraws from you and retreats into hostile silence. The cycle continues, with episodes occurring more frequently, until you feel lost and alone. He promises to change, so when he reverts to his old ways you feel dejected, let down, and alone…again and again.

The more frequently you experience the ups and downs of a passive aggressive relationship, the more you accept it. Doubts will seep into your mind about the validity of his words and you will wonder if you -perhaps- deserve this treatment. You will feel guilty because you can't make your partner happy and you will question his love for you.
Have you tried to have a candid conversation with your partner, only for it backfire or escalate into a full-blown argument? Instead of understanding and compassion you are met with accusations, verbal abuse, or deafening silence. Or, perhaps he seems to understand. He feels regretful for his actions and reaches out to you. You eagerly accept this act of apology because you are starving for the affection and attention you once had in your relationship. You think everything will return to normal. You are once again, hooked by the passive aggressive spell because eventually his loving behavior subsides and you are once again confronted with anger and aggression. You fear confrontation and slowly you become more and more a victim of passive aggressive behavior.
• Unexpected, unprovoked outbursts that are disproportionate to the issue.
• Isolation or pouting, or retreating into his world.
• He is oblivious to your feelings.
• Ignoring or blocking you from communication.
• Being sensitive and caring one minute; acting aggressive the next.
Hе wаѕ a magnificent man, thе Ɩονе οf mу life, mу heart. I nο longer long fοr hіm bυt I ԁο still remember thе longing I used tο hаνе fοr hіm.

• Your partner will procrastinate, leave work undone, or "forget" to fulfill his share of tasks.
• When asked about his problems, this person will make excuses or blame others.
• He is often found to omit information or lie; if confronted, his temper easily flares.
• He may be more prone to cheating in a long-term relationship or marriage.
• He may deny his behavior or claim he has good intentions.
• He denies his emotions and has a lack of commitment.
• He instigates arguments for any reason.
Dealing with passive aggressive people can be crazymaking. You feel dismissed, shut down, ignored… but in a subtle enough way that you don’t know how to react. At some point, you explode. Over time, this can turn into a vicious cycle: passive aggressive behavior begets anger and finger-pointing, which in turn begets more passive-aggressive behavior.
He begins to start fights for what appears to be no reason.
Some guys will do this because they know that it will feel bad if they just ditch you for no reason, so instead, what they do is start fights over nothing so that they “have a reason.” Sure, it’s a coward’s way to go, but that does not mean that he won’t try this. If you find that your boyfriend or husband is starting more and more fights for what appears to be no reason then this might be what he is doing.
A further sign is when while getting into these kinds of fights over nothing, he makes comments about how this relationship is no longer working or something to that effect
1. You find ways to avoid each other (You're at work while they're at home or vice versa)
2. The slightest conversation takes extreme effort and often ends up an argument
3. Your sex life is virtually non existent or being intimate takes extreme effort
4. Things you use to think were cute or sweet begin to annoy you
5. You can't remember what you saw in the person initially
If you agree to any of these examples then your relationship requires some work.
Even when a relationship is on the rocks it is still a good idea to talk to your partner so that you can both voice your opinions. You may discover that the problems aren't as dire as you initially thought and be able to make amends. And if you can't make amends at least try to part on decent and agreeable terms. A bad break up takes a lot longer to recover from and can be the underlying source to trust issues in a new relationship.
If you do decide to try to talk to your partner don't do it at home. Go out. Have something to eat and try talking over dinner, Try going for a walk or even sitting in a park where you are less likely to get into a confrontational situation.
Things to try discussing are:
1. Is there any way the issues can be rectified?
2. Is there a particular reason for the distance that has developed between you both?
3. Could counselling help?
If you do decide to give the relationship another go it has to be a fresh start. There can be no bringing of old issues into the new beginning. Forgive yourself and your partner for allowing the relationship to get to that point and agree to take things slowly. Bring back the spontaneity by going on dates, trying new hobbies and interests together. Relationships are hard work and require dedication in order for them to work but sometimes there is no amount of work that will fix the damage that has been done. If this is the case then talking is still advisable no matter how difficult it may be. Regardless of what has happened there was a reason for your initial attraction and genuine love for each other. Try to hold onto that during the break up period and reassure yourself that just because this relationship doesn't work there is no reason to believe the next one won't

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