Diary

Well here I go again:

Reaching yet another milestone in the arduous journey that is this life lived, I again realize the pointlessness to my existence. (No I am not feeling sorry for myself)

This realization if you were to read prior writings, is not a new phenomena and that is precisely the point of this diatribe.

Over the period of the last two decades I have made several fruitless attempts to garner a reason of substantiation for proceeding to yet another day of existence. I thought exploring the creative aspect of my being,  by pursuing writing of my thoughts and concepts and in turn compiling them into a series of books, to make my writing public in hopes they would engender some form of response to validate their reason.  But to no avail it would seem.  Apparently by the lack of even critical response, no one seems very interested in what I have to say. (No I am not feeling sorry for myself)

The opportunity to, for lack of a better expression, expose myself through the advantages of personal and public blogging web-sites, I pursue the ambition of documenting my views on a broad-base of subject from the political, social and even the erotic genre of writing. Though this attempt is not totally void of garnering some exchange of discourse with other from the broader sphere of human existence, it is limited relative to the volume published. (Again, no I am not feeling sorry for myself)

Even to this small piece of expression: ‘to what end?’.  As with all the previous writing, who is likely to take the time to read what I have to say?  So, I can only conclude; it is for myself. The opportunity to expunge what is on my mind, to bring closure feelings of irrelevance. ( I assure by now you realize: I am not feeling sorry for myself)

Truly though, I think what I am attempting is to achieve is a sense of freedom, an un-burdening, to a self-imposed responsibility to be in some way: accomplished,  To feel purposeful and, in its place, fill a void with just SOMETHING. 

Examination of every aspect of what I have become, I can find no true and lasting sense or reason of relevance to my being in this moment.  Oh sure, there are occasional experiences of being significant to others but, in the totality of it all, it is momentary and fleeting and, I can not help but sense it is motivated by opportunism, to meet an need or want on the part of those that periodically express or show it. (Now you must really think I am feeling sorry for myself. I assure you I am not. I am just stating it as I see it)

From the above it may be concluded that I am potentially suicidal but, I assure you that I am not however, not in the conventional sense of the word for I do not exclude the potential of ‘mental suicide’.  This being the elimination of all personal responsibility for ‘self’ transacted by just not doing more then it takes to get from one day to the next. Total avoidance and elimination of any form of creative self expression private or public. Simply put: sleep, eat, and shit! Nothing more, noting less.

To claim this is to be an  easy goal to achieve is just not so. It, I propose, will be as difficult as to quit the act of smoking or other, similar, egregious act of self-imposed habit. But, knowing too; not to be successful in this attempt could possibly end by resorting to the more formal enactment of the term ‘suicide’. So, therein,  is the fodder of motivation to be successful.

This form of examination of ‘Self’ may to some, seem as transcending recrimination but, I see it as being more indicative of a ‘healthy’ state-of-mind.  To come to and accept a realization to the way things `are’ and not to be eluded to or deluded to think they are otherwise.  I am sure some may interpret this statement alone as evidence to the contrary but to those skeptics I say: ‘you can not, nor will ever, know what it is to walk in the shoes of another’.  Each being’s journey is unique onto them though there may appear to be similarities, generalities; we are all uniquely different.

How I will go forth from this point forward I can honestly say: ‘I have no clear idea’.  But, I know I will find my way to make this happen.  Steps have already been initiated toward this objective and I will continue to pursue others.

There is I know, much more I can say to elaborate the reason for coming to the resolve detailed here but to no avail, it only serves to inflate; it will not delineate an alternative course of action.