Diary

So far today has been complete hell all because of yesterday, well actually just the year or so after my best friend, Ryan,kiled hmelf and I found him about 10 minutes later ever since then people have said that I'm the reason he killed himself that I wanted him dead when really why would I? He was my best friend the only person I trusted with EVERYTHNG! so why would I want him dead. Everyday with out him has been hell for me. I never show it around people though I'm told I always look really happy but when peope find out what happened to Ryan they can't imagine how I can be happy and really I'm not but I don't want my friends to worry about me I just wish that one day I'll wake up and realize it was all a dream that Ryan isn't dead that Iits August 2010 again and I can stop him from killing himself like he has so many times for me and the ONLY reason I'm alive right now is that I can't leave my friends and I promised Ryan tht I wouldn't try to kill myself or successfull kill myself. I just can't imagine how anyone can think about someone killing their best friend I mean why would you do that? especially wth Ryan he helped me though soo much he helped me stop cutting myelf sfter almost 4 years of cutting, he stop me from killing myself I don't know how many times. I just wish that my mom hadn't thrown away all the pictures I had of him and me togethter cause if you were to look t them you would be able to tell tht I actually was happy there and just how fake my happiness is now. the only things I have to remember him by are 2 necklaces, one is a diamond nd the other is a locket that I NEVER take off, a teddy bear he gave me for my 15 b-day, a jacket o his and notes that he had his mom gave them to me when we had spread his ashes on the ocean, our favorite place to hang out at, he had a letter for everyday that he knew me they have the date written on them so I read one a day and I knew hime for almost 3 years some are notes and some of them are songs, and others are peoms with drawing maybe one day I'll post them up here but for now I'm gonna be greedy and keep them to myself. Well thats it I guess. bye RAWr