alkfjasdilf

So far today has been complete hell all because of yesterday, well actually just the year or so after my best friend, Ryan,kiled hmelf and I found him about 10 minutes later ever since then people have said that I'm the reason he killed himself that I wanted him dead when really why would I? He was my best friend the only person I trusted with EVERYTHNG! so why would I want him dead. Everyday with out him has been hell for me. I never show it around people though I'm told I always look really happy but when peope find out what happened to Ryan they can't imagine how I can be happy and really I'm not but I don't want my friends to worry about me I just wish that one day I'll wake up and realize it was all a dream that Ryan isn't dead that Iits August 2010 again and I can stop him from killing himself like he has so many times for me and the ONLY reason I'm alive right now is that I can't leave my friends and I promised Ryan tht I wouldn't try to kill myself or successfull kill myself. I just can't imagine how anyone can think about someone killing their best friend I mean why would you do that? especially wth Ryan he helped me though soo much he helped me stop cutting myelf sfter almost 4 years of cutting, he stop me from killing myself I don't know how many times. I just wish that my mom hadn't thrown away all the pictures I had of him and me togethter cause if you were to look t them you would be able to tell (...)

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