25 april 2012

24 april 2012, tuesday ( It Didn't Go Away )

Once I was having a total melt down, it was the closest I have ever came to writing a suicide letter.  I had a knife to my wrist and I wanted to cut so badly, it was becoming a really bad habit.  I was about to slice, as I looked around the room at all the pictures of the guy that broke my heart into a million pieces, shattered my hope and dreams, and crushed my spirit, I saw all his smiles with me, and his laughter replayed in my mind, it hurt so much, I thought the pain was going to kill me, as it was destorying me.  I kept letting out sops at all the memories that were flashing by in my mind, and the moments paused in frames.  All the times we spent together, down the drain.  Then suddenly I saw my netbook, on my bed, I removed the blade from the surface of my skin, I never cut, I never even scartched a bit, never pushed down hard, or at all.  I never thought I would be a cutter, but that was what I had become.  I wanted to let out to the people who didn't know I was there, that I was in need to talk, I felt my love was rare, and happiness was no more again.  I had known that if I did not find another way I would cut harder then ever before.  I messaged my three best friends, since I would not dare go to him.  Two were listening.  I told them straight from the darkness that was consuming me, simple words, of stabbing within me.  "What's the point of living if he doesn't want me"!  Sam messaged me back right away, your words full of concern, and in so much pain, I felt a peace, she was a gain, that would never cease, or flow to ease.  She said he wasn't worth it, she has never liked him, but never known him like I did.  But still her words soothed me, reminded me up was ahead.  We talked for a while, she made me feel wanted, my best friend of all got back to me in no time at all as well.  Natalie made me feel on top, she has so hard before come to fall.  She wanted me in her life so badly, said I was throwing my life away.  Her words held so much truth, so much joy to gain, I wanted to cheer her on, because I knew there was not a time she was not in pain! She told me I belonged, and with her I felt it too, it felt like a dream, I had finally come to, a dream, that has finally come true, I was cared for, by somebody great, she never lets me forget I'm wanted so mightily, she's true in my heart,  and I can trust in her everlastingily.  The next day Sam, hugged me and made sure I was okay, she didn't want me to fall, even though I felt the affect of it for many days forward.  The melt down was huge, never felt before, I was never that cracked, she was there with those caring and open eyes, never leaving until she was sure I was alright.  Life can be great, but first, we have to put up a fight!

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Tinker Bell,  

You are right. I once read in a book that never give anything enough power to destroy you. You may keep it close and say "Hey !! you still can't do anything because I am not giving you the power for it." Like you did with the knife, even when you were so close, you didn't give it the power to destroy you. It proves that you still are more brave than you think. Do not self-pity, don't think wrong about yourself, because you are great, awesome and and your standard is far much higher than that.

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