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WSZYSTKIE PRACE
Poezja (34) Proza (5) Dziennik (2) Fotografia (1) Grafika (11)
O autorze Znajomi (16) | |
Not a single flaw in your olive skin;
Actions suggest you want everything;
Locks flow freely, like golden waterfalls;
Others gawp and stare, tripping over their feet;
With glassy eyes, show they are keen to meet;
This creature, which holds such beauty;
That shimmering white smile wont fool me;
The flawed personality, that i see;
A deformed monster of utter nightmares;
Hidden behind advertisements and dolls;
Manipulating with ILY's and LOL's;
And Perspectives shallower than outer skin;
Interesting - my only suggestion is if `They' of the 3rd line was `Others' and `Their' to `With glassy eyes,' then `That' with `Her shimmering' Just suggestions to make clearer to whom or what you are directing the reader.. And lastly, the last line: `And Perspectives that are just skin deep' hence the title of the piece...All the best
zgłoś
I particularly like the last line as it is, and I was avoiding specifying a certain type or gender of a person, because i want people to be able to adapt it to their own personal situation, but the other changes i have happily made and i shall keep it in my sights for further assessment :3
zgłoś
I like the way the poem is structured, and of course, most of all, how it reveals clearly how people can be in this world, shallow and not always like they seem to be. Nice. :)
zgłoś
Thank you Emily sorry I only just found your comment
zgłoś
Haha, nah, it's okay. :)
zgłoś