12/23/11
Wake up, feel the air that I'm breathin'?
Wake up next to me, you're all that I'm needin'?
Yeah, right! All I do to this is let out a sigh,
While staring up, an emotionless gaze up to the sky
I used to be one of the most happy guys,
But now...all that happiness just flies...
Away from this soul, all of it goes,
Just SEARING through me like multiple hot coals
Well...coals...what a time for that?
Because...look at the day that time has sat.
Christmas...Christmas is here,
Christmas is supposedly happiness to hear...
I used to be part of the bunch, to look forward...
But now, I'll jus' stand back, like a little coward
I'll hide away from all the joy
Just because I've been imaged as a little boy
Frightened by his thoughts
All through the lots
Never again happy
Jus' slacking through, crazy
I'll never be the same,
It's always gonna be true,
I may not have a 'Christmas...'
But...I actually hope that you do
You'll be spending THIS holiday alone,
All alone, without anything to mourn,
Right now, I won't be there by your side,
Because...well...inside, I've died
...
Though my words have shown much hate,
Which is my form...slightly great
They have something hidden...
You'll figure if you think within
Can I trust, or no trust?
I need the answer, I must
Come on...
Give me the straight answer!
You must hurry, and tell me right here!
Before those coals...have me completely seared
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welcome Ryan, do you mind if i offer a few suggestions..? i am going to assume that was a silent yes :P 1) you have great ideas, feelings and metaphors... but your structure is terribly agravating... 2) your spelling is great in most cases, but your punctuation is terrible... punctuation will make your readers read it the way that you want them to, and in turn make them feel what you want them to feel and see... i would try experimenting with that 3) tense, i know that changing tense within a poetic art can keep the reader on their toes, but sometimes it can just be confusing, unless your structure supports it... 4) very very good, i cant wait to read more, but might i suggest that you read other works by other people and see if you can experiment with their structure and form and see what you come up with... you can start with mine if you want.. also be a harsh as you want.. i am always looking forward to both the good and bad feed back... :3
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damn it it didnt send it the structre
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Alright, alright. Thanks very much for the tips. I'll try my best to look over all the things I could've put more effort in...especially the puncuation and stuff. I only have three up so far, but I've started making these back in December...so I still consider myself a 'noob' with all of this. (And, eh...I apologize for the late reply, man. Just came back from school.)
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