confidence confidence confidence

Everyone keeps telling me i need confidence for someone to like me
And that the first thing guys look for in girls is confidence 

Well what if i did have confidence,but one day i looked in the mirror and hated what i saw?would i have any confidence then?

My mother keeps telling me if i want friends that i need to be my own best friend.
 But how could i if hate myself so much?could you do that?be your own best friend even though you hated every part of you personality?

growing up

growing up is a bit scary. Because then you start realizing things you've neve noticed until now.Things about yourself you've noticed..or things about other people. Reality hits and you cant do anythings about it. Reality is like learning how to ride a bike,once you know,you cant forget.You come to the conclution that you not you anymore,now that these things have hit you,your a differnent person.Maybe not physically,but mentally,your different. It might be a good different,like you okay with knowing theses things.It also might me a bad different,where you dont want to know theses things,because theyre killing you inside.You start to notice things about other people,like those who have been there for you,and those who dont give a damn about you.Phiscally,you start to notice things that have never bothered you before,like you weight,or your facial features.Some people say growing up is a great experiance. Not for most people.Not for me,defenatly not for me.

obsession

i was hurt
i was depressed
i felt alone
it just started out as simple cuts..
but then it became an obsession that i couldnt control..
i tried to stop,i couldnt
i always came crawling back to the razor..
the cuts got bigger..and so did the pain..
they turned into big long gashes across my arm..
once the scars started to fade away
all i could think about was to feel the
blood dripping from my arm again..

i dont cut anymore..but sometimes i
look at a knife and imangine it
slashing into my arm once more..

disappear

i just want to disappear from the world right now. like i never existed. and watch all the people i cared about most. watch what their lives would be like if i was never in them. 

see if they would be better of without me. if they're more happier,or if they stayed the same..

grow up little one.

slash slash goes the knife that was once
purified by the gods of war.
no more do the bells that
sounded the warrior cross within reach
of me.
bathe in the mixture of judgement and 
ignorance you poured all over the
goddess that gave you the life you have now 
and give nothing back.

 why do scream the call of demon that used to 
hide in your dreams?why do blame me for
the troubles it has caused you?it is you who 
has made this disaster. dont ever be the one 
that needs to kill me for my sins.