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I love him
I love him with all my heart and soul
But I have a fear
A fear that I cant tell is real memory or just a fear I planted inside myself
But either way
I fear
Not for me
Not for my well being
But for his
For the man who saved me from death
Who brought light, love, and trust to my life
I fear that he will be hurt and maybe worse
I fear cause it would be my fault
Cause of this memory I cant tell is real or not
If it is real
Then not only will he be hurt but I will be forever in captivity
In a place I don't want to be
Being forced to love a man who will not die
Being away from all I care for
And most of all with the knowledge that it was all my fault
My fault for his hurt both Physical and mental
For it would be my fault
The downfall of the man I love with all my heart
(...)
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I don’t understand it
I have everything I could want
But I’m still depressed
I’m still sad
I have all a girl like me could ask for
People who actually care
A wonderful boyfriend
A awesome house
A nice family
Yet I still cry myself to sleep
I still find myself curled up in a dark corner
Still think I am useless and do not deserve to live
I want the happiness that comes with having all you could ever want
The happiness I should have cause I have everything I want
So why do I still feel broken?
Why do I feel I should die?
Am I that lost
Am I that dark
That no matter what I will never be truly happy
Why must I be this way
So sad
So lost
So shut off to the ones I love
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I close my eyes and see you
Your smile
I hear you
Your laughter
Your words
I feel you
Your hugs
Your hits
And I smile
Remembering all the fun we’ve had
And then it eats into my head
That you are gone
Never to return
There’s no more laughter
No more hugs
No more petty arguments
No more innocent fist fights
You are gone
Already the world seems dimmer
It seems empty
A crueler place
A place I really do not wish to live
So why?
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His perfection shines
It radiates out from him
And for now
That perfection is mine
It’s in my hands
For me to worship
For me to cherish
He has something in him
Something I can’t put into words
Something I’ve been searching for
I’m infatuated with him
Consumed by his touch
By the look in his eyes
I close my eyes and see his
Penetrating my soul
And a shiver of pleasure runs up my spine
He seems to be what I’ve been looking for
Maybe this time I’ll be able to hold onto him
~ Ankoku Gekido
Desire
Yokubou
Happiness
Koufuku
Passion
Jounetsu
Love
Ai
All these things you’ve brought into my world
I never want this to stop
Never want this to end
You tell me
All good things must come to an end
Says who?
Who says this happiness has to fade
I won’t let it go
I won’t ever let this feeling fade
Please. Promise me you won’t either.
~ Ankoku Gekido
Deeper
and Deeper I fall
Knowing it has to end
I can’t help but to fall
Deeper and Deeper in love
Knowing the cycle will continue
I just can’t help it
I fall
Deeper and Deeper
Into his eyes
Into his bed
I let him fall
Deeper and Deeper
into my heart
Into my life
Soon there will be nothing left
And then I'll fall
Deeper and Deeper
Into darkness
I won’t be able to help it
As I fall
Deeper and Deeper
Into dreams
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A loss
A knife
A cut
A new body to add
Among the others
of society
That gave up
And couldn’t take anymore of your crap
Another soul
Who couldn’t take the loss
Add it to the pile
Of the souls we all forgot
For their existence was regret
And we regret their existence
~ Ankoku Gekido
I scream but no one hears me
No one can hear my cries for help
As I am engulfed in the darkness of my heart
I scream and scratch at the walls of darkness that are consuming me
That are cutting off my air and sight
No one cares
No one stops to help
They just walk by
Like nothings wrong
They just keep walking
Walking out of my life to leave me alone
Alone in my sorrow
Alone in the darkness I am trapped
In the darkness the people I love created
The darkness that hushes my cries
That closes off my heart to all
That makes me not be able to breath
Not able to see the light that the world can have
All I see is darkness
Malice
Torment
Sorrow
Pain
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I was lost and confused
in new territory with no allies.
I faded through the crowd, looking for a shaded face.
I was lost in between
I had no place left to go back to
no place to fit in here
I was a phantom in a malicious land.
There was no hope left in me
I was deteriorating in the light of this new place.
Then he found me
My Dark Knight blotted out the crippling light
His shaded figure embraced me and gave me shadow
He fed his darkness into me and made me strong again.
My Dark Knight saved me
He saved me from the agonizing feel of the light
He gave me my hope back
He gave me my love back.
~Ankoku Gekido
I still love him
With all my heart I love him
But he moves on
And I live in my memories
Of him and our once passionate love
And I watch him
With other women
Laughing and loving
While I sit in the memory
Of a love I threw away
I still love him
I still long for him
But he has moved on
And my heart crumbles to dust
From the memory of what I once had
And threw away.
~Ankoku Gekido
A want for the blade
To cut into my sensitive flesh
For the blood
That will leak from my veins
A need to feel the release
That would follow
Like poison
My blood will be black
It will be tainted
By the poison
That has slowly
Penetrated my soul
My heart cries out
For the release
That is brought on by my knife
And the blood that pools at my feet
Black as the night
As I cry out
My pain consuming me
And the walls whisper
Love me and only me
And absolution will be yours
Finally peace as I close my eyes
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