Prose

EXT. ABSEGAMI HIGH SCHOOL- Early Morning
The school buses pull up in front of the building in their usual parking spot. As the bell rings the passengers step off, they’re all old people. As they walk into the building announcements play overhead.
ANNOUNCER:
Good morning students and welcome to senior citizen takeover day. You all should have received your schedules prior to today, but in the event that your memory is fading please ask your homeroom teacher for another copy. We hope you enjoy your day in the life of the millennials.
OLD MAN:
(In a raspy, perpetually shouting voice)
What did she say?!
The old people disperse and walk slowly to their classrooms, taking in the sights and appearing a bit horrified.
CUT TO: Black screen with the word ENGLISH on it
INT. CLASSROOM- Day
A class of elderly people are seen inside a room with a sign reading “AAVE/Modern Day Slang” on it.
STUDENT:
Okay class, repeat after me. I be doing that.
CLASS:
(in unison)
I be doing that.
STUDENT:
I’mma be doing that.
CLASS:
(in unison)
I’mma be doing that.
STUDENT:
I done did that.
 
CLASS:
(in unison)
I done did that.
STUDENT:
Ay, yo bruh, why’s yo’ bae actin’ so salty? Don’t she know that you be making mad bank?
CLASS:
(all speaking at different times and sounding confused)
Ay, yo bruh, why’s yo’ bae actin’ so salty? Don’t she know that you be making mad bank?
STUDENT:
We finna bounce if you don’t come up in here with that dough, doe.
CLASS:
(so confused and hardly speaking)
We finna bounce if you don’t come up in here with that dough, doe.
The bell rings.
STUDENT:
Aiight that’s all I got fo’ y’all. Hope y’all’s day is on fleek.
The old people slowly get up and walk out of the room.
CUT TO: A black screen with the word HISTORY on it.
INT. CLASSROOM- Day
The class of old people are sitting in a room with a sign reading “History in the Making” on the outside. An old woman raises her hand.
OLD WOMAN 1:
I went to high school with U.S. president Lyndon B. Johnson, and let me tell you that Johnson treatment was something fierce!
OLD WOMAN 2:
My sister used to date Dick Nixon!
OLD MAN 1:
I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
OLD WOMAN 3:
I remember when my Henry and I had to hide in our bomb shelters three times a week, now that was love. You kids today don’t appreciate what it’s truly like to love.
STUDENT:
Okay, but can any of you tell me who Barack Obama is?
OLD MAN 2:
Ain’t he the leader of those Pakghanistaniels?
STUDENT:
No that was Osama bin Laden.
OLD WOMAN 4:
Old Sarah been lying?
The entire class turns and looks at Sarah.
SARAH:
I did no such thing! I’m a good honest woman, I am!
The bell rings.
OLD MAN 1:
(shouting)
It’s a bomb drill everybody down!
The old people drop under their desks and cover their heads with their books.
CUT TO: A black screen with the word MUSIC on it.
INT. CLASSROOM- Day
The class of old people can be seen sitting in a room with a sign reading “Introduction to Pop and Rap.” Timber by Pitbull and Keha plays in the background. The elderly are covering their ears in fear.
OLD WOMAN:
What’s going down at the end of the night? Why are they drinking so many shots? What happened to making good wholesome alcohol in your bathtub?
STUDENT:
Okay so clearly Keha is not of your style, let’s try Nicki Minaj.
The student changes the song to “Only” by Nicki Minaj, Drake, and Lil Wayne.
OLD WOMAN:
This is profane!
 
STUDENT:
I respect that, let’s try Katy Perry.
The student changes it to “Last Friday Night” by Katy Perry.
OLD WOMAN:
That Rebecca Black girl did it better!
STUDENT:
Okay well I’m out of options except for this one last song. Here it goes.
The student changed the song to “Uptown Funk” by Bruno Mars. The old woman clutches her heart.
OLD WOMAN:
Whooooooo-weeeeeee this is my jam!
The old people start dancing, but careful not to break their hips.
CUT TO: A black screen with the word GYM written on it.
INT. GYM- Day
The elderly can be seen inside the gym playing volleyball.
COACH:
No spiking!
The ball hits the floor.
OLD MAN 1:
That was out!
OLD MAN 2:
That was in!
OLD MAN 1:
Do you want to throw some fists over this, sonny?
OLD MAN 2:
Don’t you call me sonny!
The old men have a fight, but because they’re so slow none of the punches actually land. In the background a woman uses her walker to smack the ball onto the other team’s court.
CUT TO: A black screen.
FADE IN: The senior citizens exiting the school for the buses.
ANNOUNCER:
Good afternoon Absegami! We’d like to thank you all for your participation in another successful senior citizen takeover day. Hopefully we’ll see some of you again next year, and if not, we’ll remember you fondly.
FADE IN: The credits begin to roll as a scene plays in the background.
INT. NURSING HOME- Day
An OLD WOMAN wearing Beats by Dre is dancing to a remix of classic songs. As a caretaker walks in, she immediately hides her headphones and grabs her walker again. She exits the scene with the caretaker.
END