I shall call you anonymous.
For to summon the strength necessary for your name to pass my lips; requires a power far beyond my hardly humble existence.
Seems like eons since our eyes met
And ages since our mouths conducted stale symphonies
Words so translucent that as speakers we ourselves became transparent
Shallow as an empty shot of vodka leaving the throat rancid and molten
A burning sensation we so despairingly longed for
Neither of us could reject it nor could we even hesitate to refill our glass
Sometimes our voices clashed
Flailing hopelessly as if drowning in loneliness
Clinging desperately to the other’s words in a shameless attempt at staying afloat
Multiple times I let you drown
Only to be framed as your rescuer
Judas is thy savior
But In all fairness
We both were blind
By our naivety
By the lasciviousness that comes along with hormonal adolescence
And by haunting backgrounds that were much too tumultuous to properly prepare us for such an emotional and physical relationship
I could taste the vulnerability on your lips
I, with more guile then gullibility, was not deterred
But instead encouraged
To let my fantasies penetrate our innocence and run wild through our minds
I asked for your body and you gave me your being
You loved with what you could love
You touched with what you could touch
You gave everything you could give
I loved only what you gave to touch
I touched only what you gave to love
And I gave only what I thought you were worthy of getting
Selfish is a foolishly mislead understatement
But how can someone who only loves self be expected to be anything but
By no means is this an excuse
Only another variable in the equation
The irony being there was never any equality in us
A sad but honest reality
And to no one’s avail
Temporal happiness is all we could ever have hoped for
At such a young age love is mythological: fairy tales and misconceptions
In a way what we experienced was a kind of love; though unhealthy and vague
At one point we shared a mutual friendship that I admittedly couldn't handle at the time
Then, still struggling to develop into my own person I couldn't simultaneously come to terms with who I wanted and needed me to be and who you wanted and needed me to be.
So with patience worn as a peasant’s sole
And guilt mounting as with a sinner in the house of god
I gave up
And our friendship
Instead of conducting more lackluster symphonies and rearranging those illuminating words that obscured and protected my soul
I abandoned you
Shipwrecked with no life boat
I wrote this letter not because I regret my decision I made but how I made it.
This by no means is attempt at rekindling an already desolate, and even back then faint, flame
The reality is I've never been more at peace with myself and with who I am
I've grown into my own; piecing myself together daily
Becoming more and more of the person I am destined to be.
But as my vision clears there are still memories that cloud my mind.
You never deserved the heartache or the disappointment
You expected much more out of me as a companion and once lover
And Sadly I didn't honor that
Even though my ears had grown deaf to our once beloved symphonies and my tongue became tasteless; immune to the feverish sensation of conversing
You still deserved an explanation or at least a good bye
And in writing this letter this is my farewell
My apology for not honoring your arrangements as co-conductor
For wrongfully accusing your brilliant hues for poison
For allowing my arrogance to persuade my sentiment
For destroying our world
Though I did it with flawed execution believe me I did it with the best intentions.
Better off we were.
Better off without.
I neither expect a response nor do I expect forgiveness